Domestic Violence 1-0-1: Lessons For Today’s Youth

She called him a loser. He called her a lazy ‘ho. And then it was on!!!

It took me over an hour to break up a fight between a young friend and his lady, and I ain’t young. As their voices rang out over the traffic—hers in shrill shrieks and sobs, his in booming baritone—I wondered what I could do to convince the unhappy couple that separation was better than incarceration.

“But he’s got my car,” she sobbed, “and he left me stranded without any money.”

“We’ve been going through this for six years,” he yelled. “I love her but I can’t take her constantly up under me.”

So they both had issues! I am neither a marriage counselor nor psychologist, but I could see no good end to this squabble if someone didn’t intervene. That’s when it occurred to me that besides money and drugs, domestic violence is a major cause of arrest, trial and incarceration for our nation’s young folks.

According to California’s SafeState:

• California law enforcement received 176,299 domestic violence calls in 2006; 80,946 calls involved weapons, including firearms, knives, hands, fists or feet.
• In a national study of college students, 27.5% of the women surveyed said that they had suffered rape or attempted rape at least once since age 14. Only 5% of those experiences were reported to the police. The term "hidden rape" has emerged because this survey and many other studies found that sexual assaults are seldom reported to the police.
• Nearly 5.3 million intimate partner victimizations occur among U.S. women ages 18 and older each year. This violence results in nearly 2 million injuries and nearly 1,300 deaths.
• In 2002 approximately 30% of women on welfare reported currently being in an abusive relationship.

Raised on gangsta’ rap and family dysfunction, many of our young people don’t have a clue about the consequences of domestic violence. “I didn’t hit her; I just pushed her,” is the common male defense. “She made me do it.”

No, homey, she didn’t make you do anything. You did it on your own and ignorance is no excuse for not knowing the law. And it’s the Law what we’re talkin’ about here.

Besides smacking someone you love, there are a number of crimes covered under Domestic Abuse laws that you should be aware of. Attempting, threatening or intimidating are also covered by these laws. But don’t take my word for it. Visit the L.A. Superior Court website.

Categories of crimes, which may be heard in a specialized Domestic Violence Court, include, but are not limited to:

• Section 273.5 of the California Penal Code: willful infliction of corporal injury on a spouse, former spouse, cohabitant, former cohabitant etc.
• Section 242 of the California Penal Code: Battery - any willful or unlawful use of force or violence upon the person of another.
• Section 243 (e) of the California Penal Code: battery against a spouse, cohabitant, parent of the defendant's children etc.
• Section 240 of the California Penal Code: Assault - an unlawful attempt, coupled with a present ability to commit a violent injury etc.
• Section 136.1 of the California Penal Code: intimidation of victims and witnesses.

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I tried to explain these legal nuances to my young friends, but they wouldn’t have it, as they continued to brawl curbside and in the streets. With tears streaking down her smooth brown face, she seemed determined to cause a scene. “I know you hate me,” she cried. “Just give me my shit back.”

He paced, circling her slowly, like a mountain lion moving in on a wounded deer. “I ain’t giving you shit,” he spat! “Call one of the other men you’re sleeping with. You can use them, bitch, but you can’t use me.”

I stood between them, breathing erratically, thinking of something that would distract them…praying for a miracle that would allow them to hear me…The only difference I made on the scene was stopping them from jumping on one another.

The standoff lasted the better part of an hour and ended only when the young couple’s energies were totally spent. I later learned that the fight began at 6 a.m. It was now almost noon.

Carrying several bags of stuff, she sulked away, down the block and around the corner. He stood by the car, nostrils flaring, clenched fists, starring at his feet, as I calmly explained to him that he was one step from prison. “ Prison, son! P-R-I-S-O-N!!! I wanted to just shake him.

"No sunshine, no freedom. Washed. Forgotten. No street clothes. Asking permission. Calling collect. Don’t you know that, son?”

No, he never thought about it. Prison never crossed his mind. Not for some little lover’s quarrel; not for this little incident. To him it was just a little incident. But to the police, to the courts, it’s a bad case of domestic violence.

In the public interest and as a service to anyone you know who's in a toxic relationship that could benefit from this story; I’d like offer some practical little suggestions on how to avoid any domestic confrontation.

The Top 10 Ways NOT To Catch A Domestic Violence Case

10) If you see punched holes in the walls and/or broken furniture in the home of your new boyfriend or girlfriend, ask questions.

9) If you ask him/her if he/she’s insanely jealous and he/she says “yes,” believe it!

8) If you get into an argument and tempers are flaring, learn to walk away.

7) Be especially on guard if your partner has nothing to lose.

6) Don’t call her a bitch and expect her to respond positively.

5) If your woman hits/attacks you, throw up your arms, declare yourself “non-violent,” and leave the scene quietly.

4) Just because he/she hit you once, don’t think it won’t happen again.

3) If your man hits/attacks you, never think you can match him with your mouth.

2) Cut your losses! If confronted with possible domestic violence it’s better to protect your person and forget your property.

1) Recognize that if the police are called, someone will probably go to jail.