Some Hot Advice to Baby Boomers: Staying young forever is definitely not cool

Thanks to the advent of electronic media (invented in the last century), and of language, (a couple of thousand years ago), the 21st Century will never be as vague a period as say the third Egyptian dynasty or the Byzantine Empire. But it's fairly certain that ten or twenty years from now it'll be the Baby Boomers who will be called on to recount their stories of the 60s Civil Rights movement, the Kennedys, Motown music, stick-shift cars and sex before AIDs, the same way those Depression era kids still talk about World War II like it just happened.

In another decade or two it'll be those credit-chomping, hedonistic Baby Boomers who are the elders of our global village; not the penny-pinching old folk born before 1930 whose motto was get-by, make-do and save ten-cents out of every dollar for a rainy day. Although anyone born after 1960 may not realize it, it was that generation who gave Baby Boomers of all races their jump-start on fair employment, voting rights, equal education and a plethora of other privileges we and all other subsequent generations enjoy.

Now that the 1900s have officially passed into the status of the good old days, I am frankly worried that Baby Boomers may not know how to handle the awesome responsibility of upholding history. I know entirely too many Boomers who refuse to get old, completely unmindful that the 60s took place nearly fifty years ago. The only way they are going to relate history to younger generations is from the prespective of an outside observer. Or as a colorful embellishment of their own lives and careers.

I talk to young people today who have never heard any of the time-honored expressions of my childhood, those quaint old sayings that were thick as molasses with meaning. I recently discovered that, although most Boomers are too busy to share them, those old barnyard philosophies brought up from the south by our grand- and great-grandmothers still sticks with youth today. Advice like "Birds of a feather, flock together," "A dog who brings a bone will carry it," or, "Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free" is as fresh to the hip hop nation today as a new pair of designer athletic shoes.

What Baby Boomers don't seem to appreciate is that getting old is 21st Century chic. Trying to stay young forever is what is definitely very uncool. Unfortunately I see too many signs of Boomers trying to stop the clock to feel optimistic about the immediate future of middle class philanthropy. Take one of my girlfriends, for instance. She has had more cosmetic surgery than most folks have had vacations and she cares more about her fingernails than she does the working poor. She cares for no one other than herself.

And I see aging Boomers every day dressing like they just stepped out of a funky music video. Or a Sean John commercial.

I know a number of middle-aged men who, under their god, Viagra, worship at the altar of Tae Bo. And ladies who think that buying Oprah can really help them.

Finally, I just wanna know, just how many sets of gold golf clubs is it going to take for some guys to feel good about themselves? I just don't know what kind of a world it will be in the second quarter of the 21st century if 70-million Baby Boomers insist on hogging the spotlight instead of focusing it on the world's theater of concerns and problems.

Across the country, schools are screaming for retiring Baby Boomers to return to the classroom as mentors and volunteers. Throughout the city, community services cry out for modern equipment and experts to train their aging all-volunteer staff.

In practically every neighborhood there are incubator high-tech multi-media companies (mostly founded and run by Xers and the Hip Hop Nation) that are begging for capital infusions. Yet, for Baby Boomers, easily the most pampered generation in the history of the world, volunteerism and charitable donations, according to the most recent studies, are going down.

With "Forever Young" as their anthem, I am worried that too many Boomers are forfeiting their rightful place in history as the historians of the old days--the 1900s--and as the great philanthropists of the 21st Century. Most Boomers I know are totally preoccupied with turning back the clock on their youth, or they're investing fortunes into trying to erase the aging process entirely. [To hell with succeeding generations that hunger for their knowledge.]

Since this subject is rarely talked about in polite company, I realize that that the concept of hedonistic selfishness due to the natural aging process may not sit well with many graying Boomers. Many, I suspect, will be in such a state of denial, so out of touch with reality, that they won't recognize the unsettling truth -- that they are Baby Boom Bummers. That's right; they are bumming a ride through life on the past glory, the laurels and accomplishments of their entire generation. Boomer Bummers are living proof that some people never grow up. Holding grudges they worked up in 1984, Boomer Bummers have every plan to take their silly selfishness to the grave.

I am hoping that this little slap of reality will cause a buzz among Bummers; maybe even cause a backlash. I can't tell you how much I love to stand corrected. Meanwhile, however, until I'm disproved, I have identified at least 21 signs that someone you know may be a Baby Boom Bummer. Stay tuned!!!

130 Baby Boomer "Firsts" make Boomers special

It seems to me that part of the dilemma facing today’s aging Baby Boomers is that they feel stuck. See, not only are Boomers the last of an era—getting most of their values from the 20^th Century and their Depression Era parents—but they’re the first of an era too, relating more to Generation X, Echo Boomers and the Hip Hoppers as peers instead of protégés. Without any strong generational divides, Baby Boomers seem a bit confused.

See, Boomers have one foot in the Industrial Age (before their jobs got automated or outsourced) and the other foot in the Information Age (where everyone gets to work at home). Boomers are the new village elders, so let's get real; 60 is not the new 30! In order to enjoy authentic Village Elder status it seems to me that Boomers should embrace all the history they’ve changed and acknowledge all of their incredible firsts.

COMING INTO THE WORLD, Baby Boomers were the first generation to:

1. Wear disposable diapers..
2. Be raised by Dr. Spock.
3. Be saved by penicillin as infants.
4. Use two-ply toilet paper.
5. Enjoy a wide variety of baby food, toys, and entertainment venues.
6. Watch television.

GROWING UP, Baby Boomers were the first generation to:

7. Eat barbecue potato chips.
8. Eat a cake mom made from cake mix, instead of scratch.
9. Eat a McDonald’s® hamburger.
10. Carry school lunch in Tupperware®
11. Use hair spray from aerosol cans.
12. Watch Saturday morning cartoons.
13. Have a closet full of battery operated toys.
14. Shop for toys and games in a toy store.
15. See partners sleep in the same bed on television.
16. Hear profanity on television.
17. See televised sports (other than boxing, wrestling or Roller Derby).
18. Eat TV dinners.
19. Eat microwave meals.
20. Play with Barbie dolls.
21. See an in-flight movie.
22. Send a letter or package Air Mail.
23. Grow up with plastic.
24. Play with Frisbees ® , Hula Hoops, Play-Doh, Slinky, Mr. Potato Head and Legos.
25. Get six-month dental check ups.
26. Watch a moon landing on television (or anywhere else, for that matter).
27. Call 9-1-1 in any city and reach an emergency operator.
28. Grow up under the threat of atomic, chemical, biological and nuclear war.
29. Wear Velcro ® instead of having to tie everything.

IN THEIR TEEN YEARS, Baby Boomers were the first generation to:

30. Have co-ed college dormitories.
31. Hold college panty raids.
32. Listen to FM on a car radio.
33. Listen to stereo sound.
34. Listen to 45 rpm records.
35. Rock ‘n’ Roll.
36. Use a push button telephone.
37. Practice birth control by pill.
38. Wear different sneakers for different sports.
39. Use tampons.
40. Wear pantyhose.
41. Wear a bikini bathing suit.
42. Wear rubber gloves for washing dishes.
43. Wear polyester clothes.
44. Wear designer blue jeans.
45. Have designated disabled parking and public telephones.
46. Wear contact lenses.
47. Enter the Information Age.
48. Shop in a mall.
49. Own a bicycle that shifts gears.
50. Drive on freeways anywhere in the country.
51. Have the Surgeon General’s warning printed on cigarette labels.
52. Recognize women’s rights, gay rights, civil rights and animal rights.
53. Denounce a war.
54. Call air pollution, “smog.”

AS YOUNG ADULTS, Baby Boomers were the first generation to:

55. Use non-dairy creamer.
56. Own a color television.
57. Have a credit card before getting a job.
58. Flip the dial on the television set by remote control.
59. Get an automatic can opener for a wedding present.
60. Bank electronically.
61. Take classes in computer programming or computer graphics.
62. Bank after 3 p.m. Monday through Thursday.
63. Bank on Saturday.
64. Use a cheap portable calculator.
65. Watch/play sports on AstroTurf.
66. Drink diet soda.
67. Carry a hand-held calculator.
68. Eat fruit-flavored yogurt.
69. Watch calories.
70. Consume sugar substitutes.
71. Count cholesterol.
72. Wear acrylic fingernails.
73. Use self-tans.
74. Get breast implants.
75. Get a vasectomy.
76. Get artificially inseminated,
77. Or get a legal abortion.
78. Use electrolysis for cosmetic reasons.
79. Consider genetics in having kids.
80. Eat multi-grain cereals.
81. Stock up on vitamins and nutritional supplements.
82. Call marijuana an “herb.”
83. Smoke LSD.
84. Take Valium.
85. Call the sexual assault of an intimate, “date rape.”
86. Shop for clothes and beauty products on television.
87. Wear designer sunglasses.
88. Care about animal rights.
89. More or less sanction interracial marriage.
90. Get a no-fault divorce.
91. Bring charges against a spouse or partner for domestic violence.
92. Recycle for fun.
93. Willingly (more or less) use condoms.
94. Die from AIDs.

At WORK, Baby Boomers were the first generation to:

95. Make a photocopy.
96. Use a Post It ® note.
97. Bring charges against someone for sexual harassment.
98. Question Authority.
99. Work in an office cubicle.
100. Work in an air-conditioned office.
101. Become female newscasters, police officers, fire fighters, paramedics and astronauts.
102. Use a computer to input work.
103. Use computers at home and work.
104. Make a multi-media presentation at work.

In LIFESTYLES, Baby Boomers were the first generation to:

105. Subscribe to cable TV.
106. Use a portable telephone.
107. Watch videocassette movies.
108. Travel by airplane for pleasure.
109. Wear orthodontics for cosmetic purposes.
110. Change eye color for cosmetic purposes.
111. Consciously buy American-made products.
112. Diet as an obsession.
113. Have two paychecks in the family.
114. Use the word “trendy.”
115. Carry credit cards.
116. Own a home computer.
117. Make Ecology a movement.
118. Buy a condominium.
119. Read a book on tape.
120. Revolt against taxes.

APPROACHING RETIREMENT, Baby Boomers are the first generation to:

121. Spend more than they earn.
122. Call slums, ghettos and barrios, the “inner city.”
123. Care for two generations—an elder and a child or grandchild.
124. Own a vacation home.
125. Fear for the future of the Social Security system.
126. Fear terrorism.
127. Fear “illegal aliens.”
128. Fear getting old.
129. Fear death.
130. Work overtime to bring about the End Times through endless wars.