Note: Since 2001, with the murder of my son's teenage friend, Efren Diaz, when this letter was first published, there have been hundreds of young Los Angeles residents needlessly killed by gun violence. This re-print, then, is in memory of those young people whose lives were cut short just this month—July 2008*: Jasmine Sanders, 8; Jesus Guevera, 24; Alcus Mallory, 15; Adrian Garcia-Diaz, 16; Christopher Sloan, 22; Kimberly Bonds, 19; Cynthia Vargas, 20; Diego Cruz, 14; Joshua Ford, 25; Roberto Lopez, 23 and Christopher Payne, 24.
-----
Dear Mom,
I confess that we have a lot in common. We are both mothers of boys who are just beginning to shave. We both live in Highland Park. We are both minorities. And we both, I think, love our sons. The difference between us is the life your son took at a supervised Highland Park house party. Last night my son lost one of his best friends--a wonderful young man filled with hope and promise--and your son killed him.
Today, dear Mom, Efren's mother and father are grieving, as I am. Today, dear Mom, you should be too; for your son is a murderer and he can know no peace until he meets the same fate, by the Law or by the Law of God.
Cradling an inconsolable mother in my arms, I wondered if you were cradling your son in your arms. Are you condoning his crime or do you even know about the horrible act of violence he committed last night? Maybe he slept late and you made him a Sunday breakfast. I just want you to know that Efren's mother cannot eat or sleep. She hasn't changed her clothes or stopped crying since she learned that her son, her boy, named after his devoted father, is dead.
Efren was only 18, dear Mom. How old is your son and how old do you think he will live to become? I know that Efren's mom and dad expected him to outlive them. Will your son outlive you? And if he does, will it be behind bars?
Dear Mom, I know that I can't do anything to bring my beloved young friend, Efren, back to us. I know that there is nothing I can say or do to console his parents. There isn't anything I can say to console you either. But maybe, by writing to you I'll inspire other moms like you to talk to their children, to check their kid's behavior and friends, to search for weapons, and to deal with any family crises that appear to be getting out of control.
I may never know your name or the name of your son, for Efren's death is just one more Highland Park homicide. Nonetheless, God bless you, dear Mom. I won't believe, until it's proven otherwise, that you are not a good mother who wanted the best for her child.
What went wrong, what turned your little boy into a ruthless killer, maybe you don't even know. That's why I'm holding you in prayer—you and the parents of a young man who brought only light and love to everyone he knew. I wish you and your son could have known Efren; I am certain that you would have loved him too.
Prayerfully yours,
Valerie Shaw,
Parent/Friend/Community Activist/Teacher
UPDATE: Efren Diaz' homicide was never solved. His parents and all who love him are still grieving.
*July homicide statistics provided by Los Angeles Times.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Sunday, July 20, 2008
When A Kid's In Crisis, So Are His Parents
When people find out that I authored 2 Late 4 Time Out: A Parent's Guide To Understanding The Juvenile Justice System, they ask me a bunch of questions I only wish I could answer.
The Internet is much smarter than me, any team of experts or policy makers. Here's just a brief sample of what people are asking in whispers and cries, gleaned from the confessions of hundreds of tearful caregivers and other adults concerned with troubled youth.
-----
Q: My 23-year-old son lost his job, his wife left him and now he’s back home with me, his retired 65-year-old mother. I’m too tired help him get himself back on track. Where can I send him or where can I get help before he falls back in with his old friends and ruins his life?
A: We couldn't think of where to start with your question, so we typed your entire question into Goggle and found an excellent 12-page Recovery Support Provider Directory that is certain to be helpful. It's at the California Access To Recovery Effort (CARE) program website, brought to you by the County of Los Angeles, but when we went to the L.A. County Info portal and used “L.A. Cares 4 Youth” as our search criteria and we couldn't’t find the list.
Q: I heard Monica’s Scream and I just want to tell you that I understand!!! I am a hard working single mother who lives in Inglewood and works in Orange County, commuting 3 hours a day. My 17-year-old son and 14-year-old daughter don’t just disrespect me, they violate all my house rules. My son has an anger problem—he hits the furniture, the dog and he even hit me once or twice—and my daughter may be seeing boys in the home. Where can I go for help?
A: We tried L.A. County Online, with the pretty basic search criteria “juvenile anger management programs” and then, just “anger management.” Besides a Courtney Love story and some other editorial stuff, we couldn't’t find anything here. But we did find a few good resources in the California Safe State Teen Dating Violence 11-page Directory. You and your daughter, on the other hand, could benefit from the resources and advice on the Girls Inc. website.
Q: I’m so embarrassed—too ashamed to tell my priest, my family or anyone—but I’m afraid that my 15-year-old son is either in a gang or ready to join one in our East Los Angeles neighborhood. Someone told me that Mothers Against Gang Violence could help but they can't help me now and that's when I need it. How can I find some intervention in our area? P.S. We live in public housing!
A: Besides the Sheriff’s and Probation Department's programs, we had to really hunt for this. Doing a search for “L.A. County Gang Intervention Programs East L.A.” produced no results. But we have a little better luck with the County's programs here, L. A. Gang Intervention Contracts, 10/06-07, East L.A. Service Area. [Psst!!! The list is Attachment “A” Now you can let your fingers do the walking.] Also, dear Mom, there's a very comprehensive list of resources at the Street Gangs Dot Com website.
Q: Tomorrow will be the fifth anniversary of the day my son was sentenced to 18 years in state prison. I am sick now and just want my son to have someone to write and who cares about him after I’m gone. Is that too much to ask?
A: Yep, Mom, we’re sorry, but it appears that your request is too much to ask. [Just kidding! Nothing is too much to ask of the Internet.]
First, you might consider talking to one of the caring folks at Friends Outside, for some guidance in this matter. Then try contacting International Directory of Prison Ministries; they are 3,800 members-strong. Or, maybe Christian Pen Pals can help.
Now that we're on a roll, here are two other very large non-denominational organizations you may want to contact:
Prison Fellowship Ministries and Operation Starting Line.
But since you're not the only one reading this, we'd like to encourage people interested in other prison outreach programs to contact the Center for Children of Incarcerated Parents.
Q: I don’t know how involved he is but I just found over a dozen “High Times” magazines, strange glass bowl pipes and some small bags of white powder in my 16-year-old son’s closet. With his dark clothes, sullen and withdrawn behavior, and drop in grades, I’m afraid that he’s using drugs. We live in a gated community, so obviously I can’t talk to any of our friends, his school counselors, or our rabbi. What would you suggest before something awful happens.
A: You’re kidding, right? Guess what, something bad’s already happened. But that’s besides the point. You do need help, don’t you? I’m talkin’ letz get biz-e!
If there’s any doubt about what the substance your son is hiding and you don’t want to tell anyone just yet OR your kid is in straight-up denial, try the six-panel drug test from one of a thousand companies like Drug Test Your Teen, founded by a Mid-western mother-daughters team. For a quantity of tests [we're talking Costco], there are loads of sites, like the Canadian Pharmacy, you can purchase from.
Maybe your teenager comes clean with you but will only talk to a peer. Turn him on to the TeenLine Online site where, for nearly 30-years, professionally trained teen counselors in California have been reaching out to help other youth.
Now that you know your kid has a problem, consider family counseling before the Court orders it. Of course you can look at the listings on Yahoo or some of the other popular Yellow Pages Internet sites. Don’t hold us to it, but there’s a pretty good list at the Psychology Today website.
Drug treatment, intervention, counseling? You may have the bucks for private therapy, but there’s nothing like the fellowship of a good ol’ 12 Step Program for the addict and, yes, Al-Anon/Alateen, for you and the family.
Q: Three years ago we moved to Santa Clarita where we could buy a house large enough for our three foster kids. The problem is that one of our foster children is having real problems adjusting to life in the family’s new home. Can you help?
A: You’re in luck! Fifth District Supervisor, Michael Antonovich, is the only L.A. County Supervisor we've found who publishes an online Community Service Guide, and we looked everywhere for other County Supervisors with the same community outreach. [Thanks, Mike, you're on it for your constituents.]
Also, especially designed for foster care youth, check out the Steps To Independent Living website.
------
Why does the City and/or the County need the 2 Late 4 Time Out web portal? Because one road cannot serve the transportation needs of any thriving city. Nor can one website serve the needs of all who seek answers.
The Internet is much smarter than me, any team of experts or policy makers. Here's just a brief sample of what people are asking in whispers and cries, gleaned from the confessions of hundreds of tearful caregivers and other adults concerned with troubled youth.
-----
Q: My 23-year-old son lost his job, his wife left him and now he’s back home with me, his retired 65-year-old mother. I’m too tired help him get himself back on track. Where can I send him or where can I get help before he falls back in with his old friends and ruins his life?
A: We couldn't think of where to start with your question, so we typed your entire question into Goggle and found an excellent 12-page Recovery Support Provider Directory that is certain to be helpful. It's at the California Access To Recovery Effort (CARE) program website, brought to you by the County of Los Angeles, but when we went to the L.A. County Info portal and used “L.A. Cares 4 Youth” as our search criteria and we couldn't’t find the list.
Q: I heard Monica’s Scream and I just want to tell you that I understand!!! I am a hard working single mother who lives in Inglewood and works in Orange County, commuting 3 hours a day. My 17-year-old son and 14-year-old daughter don’t just disrespect me, they violate all my house rules. My son has an anger problem—he hits the furniture, the dog and he even hit me once or twice—and my daughter may be seeing boys in the home. Where can I go for help?
A: We tried L.A. County Online, with the pretty basic search criteria “juvenile anger management programs” and then, just “anger management.” Besides a Courtney Love story and some other editorial stuff, we couldn't’t find anything here. But we did find a few good resources in the California Safe State Teen Dating Violence 11-page Directory. You and your daughter, on the other hand, could benefit from the resources and advice on the Girls Inc. website.
Q: I’m so embarrassed—too ashamed to tell my priest, my family or anyone—but I’m afraid that my 15-year-old son is either in a gang or ready to join one in our East Los Angeles neighborhood. Someone told me that Mothers Against Gang Violence could help but they can't help me now and that's when I need it. How can I find some intervention in our area? P.S. We live in public housing!
A: Besides the Sheriff’s and Probation Department's programs, we had to really hunt for this. Doing a search for “L.A. County Gang Intervention Programs East L.A.” produced no results. But we have a little better luck with the County's programs here, L. A. Gang Intervention Contracts, 10/06-07, East L.A. Service Area. [Psst!!! The list is Attachment “A” Now you can let your fingers do the walking.] Also, dear Mom, there's a very comprehensive list of resources at the Street Gangs Dot Com website.
Q: Tomorrow will be the fifth anniversary of the day my son was sentenced to 18 years in state prison. I am sick now and just want my son to have someone to write and who cares about him after I’m gone. Is that too much to ask?
A: Yep, Mom, we’re sorry, but it appears that your request is too much to ask. [Just kidding! Nothing is too much to ask of the Internet.]
First, you might consider talking to one of the caring folks at Friends Outside, for some guidance in this matter. Then try contacting International Directory of Prison Ministries; they are 3,800 members-strong. Or, maybe Christian Pen Pals can help.
Now that we're on a roll, here are two other very large non-denominational organizations you may want to contact:
Prison Fellowship Ministries and Operation Starting Line.
But since you're not the only one reading this, we'd like to encourage people interested in other prison outreach programs to contact the Center for Children of Incarcerated Parents.
Q: I don’t know how involved he is but I just found over a dozen “High Times” magazines, strange glass bowl pipes and some small bags of white powder in my 16-year-old son’s closet. With his dark clothes, sullen and withdrawn behavior, and drop in grades, I’m afraid that he’s using drugs. We live in a gated community, so obviously I can’t talk to any of our friends, his school counselors, or our rabbi. What would you suggest before something awful happens.
A: You’re kidding, right? Guess what, something bad’s already happened. But that’s besides the point. You do need help, don’t you? I’m talkin’ letz get biz-e!
If there’s any doubt about what the substance your son is hiding and you don’t want to tell anyone just yet OR your kid is in straight-up denial, try the six-panel drug test from one of a thousand companies like Drug Test Your Teen, founded by a Mid-western mother-daughters team. For a quantity of tests [we're talking Costco], there are loads of sites, like the Canadian Pharmacy, you can purchase from.
Maybe your teenager comes clean with you but will only talk to a peer. Turn him on to the TeenLine Online site where, for nearly 30-years, professionally trained teen counselors in California have been reaching out to help other youth.
Now that you know your kid has a problem, consider family counseling before the Court orders it. Of course you can look at the listings on Yahoo or some of the other popular Yellow Pages Internet sites. Don’t hold us to it, but there’s a pretty good list at the Psychology Today website.
Drug treatment, intervention, counseling? You may have the bucks for private therapy, but there’s nothing like the fellowship of a good ol’ 12 Step Program for the addict and, yes, Al-Anon/Alateen, for you and the family.
Q: Three years ago we moved to Santa Clarita where we could buy a house large enough for our three foster kids. The problem is that one of our foster children is having real problems adjusting to life in the family’s new home. Can you help?
A: You’re in luck! Fifth District Supervisor, Michael Antonovich, is the only L.A. County Supervisor we've found who publishes an online Community Service Guide, and we looked everywhere for other County Supervisors with the same community outreach. [Thanks, Mike, you're on it for your constituents.]
Also, especially designed for foster care youth, check out the Steps To Independent Living website.
------
Why does the City and/or the County need the 2 Late 4 Time Out web portal? Because one road cannot serve the transportation needs of any thriving city. Nor can one website serve the needs of all who seek answers.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
A Loud Open Letter To L.A. City Hall
[Note: Since no one in City Hall has written me back, I thought I'd share this sarcastic letter with the rest of the virtual world. If I'm gonna whistle in the dark, it might as well be as loud as I can.]
----
Dear L.A. Elected Official & City Hall Personnel:
I read the L.A. Times article, "Miles to Go for L.A. Justice" juxtaposed against the Daily News piece, "L.A. proposed anti-gang tax taking its hits," which points out that right now there is no cap on this expenditure and it is exclusively a property tax.
If you'll take a couple of minutes to read the Daily News article you'll see a number of things Councilmember Janice Hahn doesn't mention in her news release. Excuse me, but gangs are every one's problem, not just property owners. Do you really think that in November, voters (who are fed up with pouring money into studies that chastise and programs that are microscopic or programs that fail altogether) will stand for this?
Please consider that nearly 1:5 homeowners in our city are in foreclosure or pre-foreclosure. [Let's throw some more straw on that fire, Mrs. O'Leary!]
Game over. It's time for change! A new strategy. A new way to think. This is the 21st Century, yau'll. We don't need another meeting to discuss where we're going to hold the next meeting. We are living in a very real paperless, virtual world. Councilmember Hahn is among other city officials who have not had the courtesy to respond to various e-mails sent to them regarding building the world's first all inclusive, user-friendly, Juvenile and Criminal Justice Internet portal.
Here's the prototype: 2 Late 4 Time Out, and an earlier version of 2 Late 4 Time Out, in the open-source format. [It's cumbersome, I'll certainly admit, but just click on the illustration of a kid in chains and enter as a "Guest."] Here, you'll find 10-years research and tons of very original content. While the City continues to search for effective ways to reduce crime, I would suggest to you that one way is right under their white linen napkins.
Following this e-mail I am forwarding you an e-mail sample of our one-way communication with Ms. Hahn and other City officials. Perhaps you can help me answer these questions:
Does the city re-e-e-e-ally want to reduce the violence in our communities; are they really trying to save our youth, or is the objective to have law enforcement, Department of Rec. and Parks and the Community Development Department dole out the money to programs they see fit or find worthy? What happens if you've got a program that is wonderful and worthy, like Mama Hill's Help, Inc., but it hasn't been anointed by the departments with the money? [Can you say bankruptcy, foreclosure and poverty, anyone???]
To Councilmember Hahn's invitation, "Come One, Come All!!!," I say to you, with all due respects, lip-service paid to this pandemic is not service. ["Good job, Brownie."] Certainly if we are going to pay for it, we, the people, deserve and need more. Can we do better? It is my sincere belief that "Yes We Can."
Yours in humility and service,
Valerie Shaw, M.PR
Youth & Gang Violence Consultant
----
Dear L.A. Elected Official & City Hall Personnel:
I read the L.A. Times article, "Miles to Go for L.A. Justice" juxtaposed against the Daily News piece, "L.A. proposed anti-gang tax taking its hits," which points out that right now there is no cap on this expenditure and it is exclusively a property tax.
If you'll take a couple of minutes to read the Daily News article you'll see a number of things Councilmember Janice Hahn doesn't mention in her news release. Excuse me, but gangs are every one's problem, not just property owners. Do you really think that in November, voters (who are fed up with pouring money into studies that chastise and programs that are microscopic or programs that fail altogether) will stand for this?
Please consider that nearly 1:5 homeowners in our city are in foreclosure or pre-foreclosure. [Let's throw some more straw on that fire, Mrs. O'Leary!]
Game over. It's time for change! A new strategy. A new way to think. This is the 21st Century, yau'll. We don't need another meeting to discuss where we're going to hold the next meeting. We are living in a very real paperless, virtual world. Councilmember Hahn is among other city officials who have not had the courtesy to respond to various e-mails sent to them regarding building the world's first all inclusive, user-friendly, Juvenile and Criminal Justice Internet portal.
Here's the prototype: 2 Late 4 Time Out, and an earlier version of 2 Late 4 Time Out, in the open-source format. [It's cumbersome, I'll certainly admit, but just click on the illustration of a kid in chains and enter as a "Guest."] Here, you'll find 10-years research and tons of very original content. While the City continues to search for effective ways to reduce crime, I would suggest to you that one way is right under their white linen napkins.
Following this e-mail I am forwarding you an e-mail sample of our one-way communication with Ms. Hahn and other City officials. Perhaps you can help me answer these questions:
Does the city re-e-e-e-ally want to reduce the violence in our communities; are they really trying to save our youth, or is the objective to have law enforcement, Department of Rec. and Parks and the Community Development Department dole out the money to programs they see fit or find worthy? What happens if you've got a program that is wonderful and worthy, like Mama Hill's Help, Inc., but it hasn't been anointed by the departments with the money? [Can you say bankruptcy, foreclosure and poverty, anyone???]
To Councilmember Hahn's invitation, "Come One, Come All!!!," I say to you, with all due respects, lip-service paid to this pandemic is not service. ["Good job, Brownie."] Certainly if we are going to pay for it, we, the people, deserve and need more. Can we do better? It is my sincere belief that "Yes We Can."
Yours in humility and service,
Valerie Shaw, M.PR
Youth & Gang Violence Consultant
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